It can be very challenging if you think you possibly have a narcissistic sibling. You might even feel a bit guilty to look into narcissism. The fact you’re investigating this means this person at least shows some unhealthy behaviour. It’s likely you know your sibling quite well and chances are you have witnessed both good and bad behaviour in the past.
Narcissistic personality disorder begins by early adulthood which means that at that time you could possibly see a change in behaviour. With the help of this article, you can explore whether the behaviour shown by your sibling is unhealthy/manipulative and if this possibly shows your sibling might be a narcissist.
This article doesn’t focus on the label narcissist but rather on the behaviour shown and the effect it has on you. In the end, the label is not something you’re dealing with. You need a way to deal with the shown behaviour. Getting knowledge about narcissism can help in validating your experience and help you in deciding how to approach the situation. I hope this article will be helpful for that.
When you have a narcissistic sibling, you’re forced by their manipulative behaviour to think about what you want in your relationship with them. This is because if you don’t, your energy will be drained and you might become more anxious and doubtful because of their manipulations.
It can be very tough and painful to have a narcissistic sibling and possibly a narcissistic parent as well. It can lead to very unhealthy dynamics and this can have a real impact on you. Know it’s a good thing you’re trying to get informed in order to make decisions to better protect your energy and start with healing and/or personal growth.
In this article, I will go into the signs of a narcissistic sibling, the family dynamics with a possible toxic combination of a narcissistic sibling and narcissistic parent, the effect this has on you, and how to deal with a narcissistic sibling.
Narcissistic behaviour vs. narcissism
A narcissist is characterized by a lack of (emotional) empathy, a need for admiration/validation, and an increased ego. It results in superficial, abusive, and self-centered behaviour in which a narcissist doesn’t consider the feelings or needs of others. There can be a variety of types of narcissists and narcissistic behaviour can thus play out in many different ways.
When someone shows narcissistic behaviour, it doesn’t necessarily mean this person is a narcissist. As everyone can show narcissistic behaviour from time to time it depends on the frequency and intensity of the shown narcissistic behaviour.
A narcissist will show draining behaviour regularly, uses other persons for their benefit, and thus has a very unhealthy influence on their environment. In my articles, I focus on the narcissistic behaviour someone shows and the possible unhealthy influence it has on you.
How to recognize a narcissistic sibling? Signs of a narcissistic sibling
So how do you recognize having a narcissistic sibling? Here are 9 possible signs of a narcissistic sibling.
1. Center of attention
Your sibling always needs to be the center of attention no matter what the occasion might be. It could even be on your birthday or graduation. It might show as weird, negative, or simply dominant behaviour that results in a shift of attention from you to this sibling.
A narcissist has an exaggerated sense of self-importance and this can thus result in needing to be the center of attention. They can do this in many ways such as by monopolizing conversations, praising themselves, playing the victim, using illness, or trying to get sympathy.
2. Seeking approval and praise
A narcissist needs a lot of validation, appreciation, and affirmation. Do you feel like your sibling is always looking for forms of validation or appreciation? Did you feel like an audience having to applaud your sibling all the time? These are signs your sibling is seeking for ‘narcissistic supply’ in order to fulfill their need for admiration.
3. Envy and intensity when comparing themselves to others
There could be quite some envy towards others with wealth or power. It will feel like an ongoing comparison with a lot of frustration, believing others are envious of them, and a lot of negativity concerning others. A narcissist will really believe their own view and seem really attached to this competitive situation. It can thus feel very intense.
They can be envious of you as well and believe you’re envious of them. If you try to talk about it with them because you feel this discomfort a narcissist might mirror and blame you. They have the ability to turn it back around on you and fully deny their part. It will feel like you can’t honestly talk about it because you will only feel worse afterward.
4. Lack of (emotional) empathy
There will be a lack of (emotional) empathy when you’re dealing with a narcissistic sibling. They could learn to act like they understand the pain or they emphasize but you will notice emptiness beneath it. You could observe this by a quick change of subject or an empty stare. It seems they can’t keep their attention to it when they know they should be emphatic.
They have an inability or unwillingness to empathize and consider your needs and feelings. It can feel like disinterest in your stories, whether good or bad, and you might feel inequality in how much you talk about their life and your life.
5. Acting as if you owe them (entitlement)
It can feel like you owe them. A narcissist has a sense of entitlement and believes they are more important than you. They might seem great by doing you favours and helping you out. When this results in inequality between you and your sibling it’s not healthy. If you’re dealing with an older sibling there is quite a chance they will say things that keep you small.
Growing up and becoming an adult you might feel like you have grown more spiritually and they still act the same as if you’re of lesser value. It seems they didn’t move on from being a kid. They might still make the same old jokes about your weaknesses or their good looks or intelligence.
There won’t be boundaries and the jokes won’t feel like a simple joke anymore (they will deny this though). If you feel this inequality doesn’t seem to change it’s a sign of dealing with a narcissist.
6. Talking about themselves and comparing achievements
Your sibling could often change the subject of discussion to themselves or achievements. A narcissist loves to talk about subjects such as salary, materialistic things, and achievements. They seem to always fantasize about unlimited success, power, love, and perfection.
They will compare with you and probably ‘win’ because they work and are motivated to achieve more. A narcissist often exaggerates their achievements and possibly downgrades yours or at least not gives your achievements the same amount of attention.
7. Not accepting responsibility, criticism, feedback, or blame
A narcissist will not accept any criticism or admit to possible weaknesses or vulnerabilities. They will not take any responsibility for possible negative outcomes. Your sibling thus could become mad or play being hurt if you criticize them and they might accuse you of the same fault.
You will see they become really defensive and you can’t honestly communicate about it. They could mirror the situation if they feel they are under attack. To be clear, any normal criticism or questions about their weaknesses will be perceived as an attack. This is because it doesn’t match with their fake persona.
8. Not respecting your boundaries and taking advantage
The sibling will not respect your needs, wishes, or feelings. If you say ‘no’ they could just keep going and pretend you said nothing. A narcissist takes advantage of others to fulfill their own needs and wishes. They will not hesitate to lie in order to get things done.
It might feel you’re dealing with a pathological liar and your sibling is playing various roles depending on the situation. They could play all kinds of games to control other people and sabotage you. This could be playing the victim or the perfect sibling or child.
9. Believes being ‘special’
If your sibling acts like he or she is ‘special’ and is arrogant or patronizing towards others it’s a sign of narcissism. It might seem only certain people (mostly with status or great appearance) are good enough to interact with or be associated with. There is a feeling of superiority behind this.
The toxic combination of a narcissistic sibling and a narcissistic parent
There is a chance at least one of your parents is narcissistic as well. This would create an even more disturbing dynamic within your family. There is a chance the narcissistic child is the family’s golden child.
In this situation, they can’t do wrong and are an extension of the narcissistic parent. It works because they are wired in the same way and because of that they might entangle with each other. They will probably be showered with praise, gifts, and money. It leaves you in the position of the one that loses the comparison all the time. This is a very tough and unfair situation.
You could be the victim of a lot of verbal and emotional abuse if you have both a narcissistic parent and sibling. There is a chance you have been bullied by them and this a very painful experience. You can read more about narcissistic parents in my article about signs of a narcissistic parent and my article about what I have learned from having a narcissistic father.
In such a family, you probably have been forced into a certain role in the family. There are some different roles possible when growing up in a family with a narcissistic parent. These are a few examples of those:
- A narcissistic or toxic sibling will have attained the role of supporting the narcissistic parents, helping them, and plays manipulative games as well.
- A child could try to withdraw from the situation and ‘flee’ as much as possible. It’s an attempt to keep your head low. If this sibling speaks up the result could be being scapegoated and be the focus of the narcissistic parent’s rage (and the supportive siblings).
- Some might become very dependent and needy with the parent in order to survive. This would be a form of helplessness which is also seen as a defence mechanism when experiencing the discomfort resulting from cognitive dissonance.
- It could also be someone becomes neutral and denies the unhealthy situation of the family. This person will build a great wall and tries to be the glue in the family. They tend to ignore the pain, pretend and create a fake persona (or disconnection from themselves) to survive. This is my own experience growing up with a narcissistic father.
There is quite a chance growing up in these kinds of family dynamics results in problems with self-worth and becoming anxious or doubtful because of the abuse and the experienced cognitive dissonance.
The effect a narcissistic sibling has on you and your environment
Given the discussed behaviour above, it’s a logical consequence these manipulative and disturbing behaviours can have quite an impact on your energy, truth, and your self-worth. I will shortly go into a few behaviours and reference articles that go more deeply into these types of behaviour. If you recognize these effects or behaviours I would advise reading more about them.
- Gaslighting is a brutal manipulative method in order to make you slowly disconnect from yourself. The aim is to make you lose your perception of truth, identity, and self-worth. It happens slowly and is done in a way that can make it hard to realize it’s happening. Some common examples are saying you’re crazy/confused, questioning your memory, and saying you’re making things up randomly. This behaviour abuses a general belief in people having good intentions.
- Cognitive dissonance is a feeling of discomfort resulting from having beliefs or values that don’t match with your behaviour. As people don’t like this discomfort the mind will try to reduce it by rationalizing or explaining things away. With a narcissistic sibling you, for example, might still believe this person is good or wants you to be happy as well. You have seen kind behaviour but this doesn’t match their manipulative behaviour.
There thus seems a discrepancy between your belief and their behaviour. This results in cognitive dissonance and you might seek the fault by yourself. This can result in self-doubt and apologizing even if you don’t really feel you should. - Your sibling might build a web of control with people they can influence or have under their control. These are called flying monkeys. They can use these people to triangulate you and abuse you by proxy. They use many manipulation strategies to build this web of control and can use it to disconnect you from other family and friends.
All these games and manipulation strategies make it hard to see the truth and might make you question your perception of reality.
General tips when dealing with a narcissistic sibling
Now, it’s time to shift the attention from the narcissistic behaviour towards yourself. I will first share some short general tips when dealing with a narcissistic sibling and then show three different options depending on the level of contact you want.
1. Don’t tell them your thoughts about narcissism
This is something that will only add fuel to the fire and will not be useful in any situation. A narcissist doesn’t reflect on themselves concerning their effect on other people. They will not accept this, feel attacked, and possibly try to mirror you by accusing you of being a narcissist. You might only provide them with a tool to manipulate others or stating how bad you are even suggesting such a thing.
2. Protect your energy by not emotionally engaging and learn to trust your intuition
It’s pointless to argue with a narcissist or go into any emotional interaction. They play on the level of ego and being competitive towards others. It’s survival for them and they’re protecting their fake persona and appearance. They will have no boundaries in doing so.
If you possibly feel like you want to outsmart them I suggest you take a look at my article about why outsmarting a narcissist is not smart at all. I suggest not playing the game at all because it will only drain your energy.
Trying to not emotionally engage will result in less stress and anxiety. By not engaging you will have more space to learn to trust your intuition and truth. I wrote an article that might be interesting which is about self-worth and narcissism.
3. Get knowledge about narcissism and write things down
It can be useful to get more knowledge about narcissism and how to deal with it. It helps with accepting the situation and deciding how you want to move forward. You will learn it’s not your fault and that you have the control and the power to decide your path from here.
It can help to write down what’s going on and how you feel about certain interactions or behaviours. This can help you acknowledge and possibly validate your truth and experience. You could ask questions to yourself about your relationship with the sibling and how the narcissistic sibling makes you feel.
By going through the following questions you will get a clearer view of whether this is an unhealthy situation:
– Do you enjoy their company or do you feel drained? Why?
– Can you talk easily with your sibling? Is it comfortable or confusing?
– Do they bring up certain subjects or do you keep talking about the same subjects all the time?
– Are you always the one taking responsibility or the one to apologize? Is it ever their fault?
– Is there a lot of competition between you and the sibling?
– Do you feel you can trust this sibling or did he/she betray your confidence?
It can be painful to answer these questions but it does have a purpose. You can analyze what’s going on and acknowledge what happens and you’re role in it as well. This clarity will help you to decide what you don’t and do want in the future.
4. Work on accepting the painful truth
It’s good to try to work on accepting the painful truth once you recognize it. If you become aware you’re in an unhealthy situation and being abused or manipulated, it’s important to let go of certain expectations. It’s great if you’re able to recognize what qualities or vulnerabilities of you are being abused.
Do you feel guilty if you don’t do certain things for them? Does this sibling make you feel less worthy or like you owe them? Do you possibly still hope for things to be different and have a brother or sister that is proud of you?
Sometimes these hopes can make you feel stuck. It’s good to realize which hope or attachments you have towards the relationship with your sibling. By meditation, mindfulness, or conscious breathing you can possibly learn how to let some attachments go.
Tips on how to cope with a narcissistic sibling
When it comes to dealing with a narcissistic sibling there are different possibilities. It depends on the unhealthy behaviour this sibling shows because there can be many different levels of toxicity and intensity of narcissistic behaviour.
It also depends on the person you are. Is it easy for you to protect your boundaries and be clear or is this something you don’t like? Mostly the ones that suffer narcissists the most are those that are empathic, put the needs of others first, and those that don’t like conflict.
If the sibling is not extremely toxic or abusive you could try to find a way to only interact on a superficial level. It might help to consider them as a child and yourself as an adult. You could also focus on only interacting with them when other people are around as well if this is when he or she tries to keep a good appearance. It really depends on what you want from the relationship with your sibling and how capable you’re of protecting your energy around them.
Evaluate how involved you are in their life. Are you being manipulated into helping them a lot or doing things you’re not comfortable with? What brings you joy and what only brings you discomfort?
The best option usually is to go no contact because of the dynamics with narcissists and the consequences it can have. Mostly, a victim is not in a state of self-confidence and ready to state some clear boundaries and protect them with success right away.
I will now discuss three options of dealing with a narcissistic sibling, which are (1) setting rules/boundaries for interaction, (2) using the grey rock method to emotionally detach, and (3) going full no contact. The picture below shows an overview of these options. I’ve created this video as well explaining these options below.
Option 1: Setting clear boundaries for interaction
This method could be worth a try if the toxicity and unhealthy behaviour of this sibling is not that great. It will be more suited for you if you’re extraverted and don’t run away from a bit of conflict or clarity in conversation.
In this method, you would become very communicative to the narcissistic sibling and firmly set boundaries all the time. It requires you to handle some conflict or being able to walk away after stating a boundary.
You could emphasize to them that you appreciate people that respect your boundaries. When your narcissistic sibling isn’t respecting those you need to tell them explicitly, and when they do respect your boundaries you can compliment them on this. It’s a form of rewarding your sibling with validation and appreciation when they respect your boundaries.
It’s a decision to protect yourself and tell them about your boundaries and possible deal-breakers. You explain to them what behaviour will be dealbreakers and will cause you to walk away and not be present around them.
It would be something like: ‘I would love to see you brother/sister but when I receive criticism, yelling, insults or negativity from you, I will choose not to be with you in the same place. It tells me it’s not the place where I want to be. So it depends on you whether we will be able to see each other. I do hope we can.’
You can observe whether this method helps or if they only become more toxic or needy. It could be effective because it’s a clear predictor of behaviour. It creates a form of pressure for them not to behave in a predicted way. They can choose whether they want your appreciation for respecting your boundaries and whether it helps their appearance or fake persona to have contact with you.
You need to be able to acknowledge and name specifically what’s going on in your interactions and what behaviour you will not be part of. It requires you to be quite solid. If you’re are aware when this person is trying to manipulate you and you have a certain emotional detachment to them as well, this could be a way to interact with a narcissistic sibling.
If you feel this method will be impossible with this person or with how you want to be yourself, it will not be useful and I advise going no contact or minimizing contact.
2. Minimizing contact: emotionally detaching using the grey rock method and conscious breathing
In this method, you basically minimize (emotional) interactions and reduce the narcissistic supply given to your narcissistic sibling. You become as boring and unappealing as a grey rock. It requires you to basically become emotionally non-responsive. You only respond when necessary and don’t ask questions or show interest in the narcissist.
If you feel like you can’t go no contact right away you could try this method and read my in-depth article about the grey rock method. It will help you emotionally detaching from a narcissist. You can consider this method as well if the toxicity of your sibling is not that great and you do want to see them even though it requires energy.
You can combine this method with conscious breathing to make it more powerful. It can help you with gathering your thoughts and protecting your energy when around your narcissistic sibling.
3. Full no contact
In general, this is the most valuable advice when it comes to dealing with narcissists. The best thing for your energy in most situations will be going full no contact. If you’re dealing with a very toxic narcissistic sibling that constantly shows unhealthy and disturbing behaviour, no contact will always be the best option. You will not be able to change or help them.
If it’s possible to go no contact right away, you can free yourself from this disturbed energy and focus on yourself and the positive and kind people in your environment.
No contact means full no contact in any form. Block their numbers and get a restraining order if needed. Throw gifts and letters away. Stay strong and they will eventually leave you alone.
At first, they will probably respond by showing more manipulative behaviour such as blaming, playing the victim or simply trying to get any engagement from you. They might try to smear campaign you and paint you black. You can read more about that in this article about smear campaigning by a narcissist.
Focus on yourself
I’m sorry if you had to experience (some of) the above. It’s very disturbing. In a way, you are forced to decide to not be used as narcissistic supply. Depending on the extent of their behaviour you need to disconnect from yourself or disconnect from them. You thus need to establish boundaries between you and the narcissistic sibling. This can be boundaries in your interaction, your emotional engagement, the amount of information you share, and whether to go no contact or not.
Deciding is shifting the attention from the narcissist to yourself again. Try to find the support of kind and sincere people and create an environment with positive energy around you. It would be great if you could get some professional help in recovering as well. You’re not alone in this as there are (sadly) many with similar experiences.
All small steps in the right direction are great! I hope this article will be helpful to you. You are worth your own kindness, compassion, and love. I wish you strength.
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– In addition to this article, I’ve created this video about possible options to deal with your narcissistic sibling.
This is such an informative and eye opening article! Some of these things I’ve applied while dealing with my sis. Unfortunately, I learned by trial and error. For example, not telling her my goals, hopes and dreams. I did for many years and realized that everytime I’d share, she would poo-poo on it. I would still keep sharing as I so badly wanted to have a healthy relationship with her. It never worked as her behavior kept continuing over the years.
As soon as you mentioned b-days and graduation, the light bulb went off! There’s a reason why I didn’t invite her to my graduation! I don’t feel guilty about it at all! It was my own moment and accomplishment and she would easily have found a way to make it “all about her!”
Love the “grey rock” example! It feels cold and distant as I have to be “boring” in her presence, but I’m protecting my sanity and energy!
When she’s not in my presence, this “grey rock” cannot wait to be alive and me again!!!!!
Hi Michelle, thank you for sharing and for your kind words. I’m sorry about your experience. It’s great that you’re now aware of the situation and learned ways to deal with it and how to protect yourself and your energy! This requires a lot of strength. You can be proud of that.
Wish you strength and kindness!
Many thanks!!!
thanks very much for this read. i have a long (40 + years) and tumultuous story with my narc sis and it is me this time who has chosen to go very very low contact after the last rage fuelled discard. i have a good support network, including a psychologist but i still have trouble with it all.
after a late easter hoover via text message, i notice my anxiety levels peaking and she is still in my thoughts every day, like a long long grieving that will never end or go away as she bought a property in the small town where i live.
some days i am fine and feeling liberated from the daily mind warping relationship with her, other days i know i have to let go
Thank you for your response. I’m sorry about your experience. Great you have this support and found help. You deserve this kindness and support.
As you have such a long and intense relationship, it’s only logical the process of change/grieve/letting go takes time. I hope you stay kind and compassionate to yourself in this process.
By choosing for yourself, you started to shift this relationship dynamic. It’s great you decided to choose for yourself, as this will be most healthy for you and your energy. It takes a lot of strength to make such a decision. I wish you strength and kindness in the future!
Reading this article has answered so many questions and helped a lot, thank you. My dad was a very respected and kind man whom I had a close bond with, he often would step in when my mum and brother were being unkind to me etc.
Following his premature death it kind of unleashed my mother and brother… First my mother gave my brother everything, often saying that he needs to have it all and I was a disappointment to the family.
Mother could see no fault in him despite him – cheating and failing his exams, wrecking the family business so it went under, never having a job and bleeding her financially dry and so on. He has lived very well from the families wealth.
On the other hand, I worked hard and became an employed professional in a well respected job, parent of her only grandchildren, moved in for a period of time to support her when dad died and was the one who cared for her when she was unwell and passed away. I wanted mum to be proud of me but whatever, I did it was never good enough… any ideas I shared with her she said was silly and then would share these with my brother about me, behind my back etc
He has taken everything of monetary value from the family, but mostly – he has taken my esteem and self worth which I am now working on to recover and rebuild.
I have very limited contact with my brother now, as I have had to, for my own self. I struggle daily and despite others saying positive things about who I am and what I have achieved, there are times it is overwhelmingly painful, like waves of emotions that I cannot understand or rationalise.
Your article has really helped me with my first steps of understanding and my recovery. Thank you
Thank you for your kind words and for sharing Julie. It’s a cruel experience that takes place over a very long period of time.
I’m thankful my article helped you! You can be proud you now try to work on yourself for yourself instead of for others. This is a great thing, although the struggle will require time. I hope you manage to be kind and compassionate to yourself during this struggle and you allow yourself this time. I wish you strength, patience, and more kindness in the future!
I really just want to say Thank You for writing and sharing this! I wish you knew how helpful it is and deeply validating it is. The descriptions are so dead on with my sister who has an intensely charismatic fake personae. I have just gone no-contact – I love her and yet her behavior becomes so crazy, hostile, hateful, and back-stabbing. I have limited contact for many years due to such creepy behavior though most recently became a little closer when she developed health issues (or so she said). I eventually got uncomfortable with her almost obsessive interest in my life and odd controlling behavior, extreme gifting, etc. I asked for space; reasserted my boundaries when they weren’t respected, and have been receiving an unbelievable invasion of my vulnerabilities, attempt at sabotage of my close relationships including my strong romantic love interest (which is mortifying, and is now effectively damaged), spreading outrageous lies, demeaning me in every way she can think up, crazy crazy shit. MASTERFUL at exploiting my fragility in toxic ways. Provoked by very little on my part, other than requesting and then asserting needing more space from her (she was calling/texting constantly). Reading this just helps me identify and affirm that I am doing the right thing to not engage or respond in any way with her, and to focus on the genuine love and friendships in my life. Most of all the one with myself and my own strength! Thank you!!
Thank you for your kind words Carolyn! I’m very thankful that my writings can help you in validating your experience. This warms my heart.
Also, thank you for sharing. I’m sorry about your experience. It’s a tough situation and very disturbing behaviour to deal with, especially within your family. It’s great you are able to recognize what’s going on and you now try to focus on the kind and genuine people in your environment, including yourself! 🙂
I wish you strength and kindness in the future!
This article helped open my eyes to see that I may have to go complete no contact with my. She has done so much damage. She has now interfered with my relationship with my grandchildren and I’m not sure how to deal with that yet considering she has become best friends with my sons ex and mother of his children who is textbook sociopathic. These two feed off each other and the results have been nothing short of cruel.
All I wish for you is pure blessing really. This article is timely and is my eyeopener to the things that I wasn’t even able to validate..I look for the reason,,many reasons to defend my narcissistic sister and now this article is truly validating my experience.I always saw myself as being the problem even though my interactions with her drained me emotionally because she could call me all mean names saying that am nothing but a burden to her life and yet she can let me be because she used to say that I’ll always need her since she has alot of money and my parents have nothing..This article was really timely,, informative and helpful to me..MANY THANKS!!!!!!!
Thank you for your help. I have a sister that is jealous at everything I do. I’m going to be a grandmother and she was upset that she didn’t get a invite to the reveal. My daughter just invited her in laws and us , her parents. She will do things the moment I maybe cook for my elderly father she will cook the next Day. This goes on and on. She will insult me with her rudeness about not telling her I visited my Dad. She wants to know everything I do. I’m tired of her attitude towards me and my family.
Thank you for this article as it describes my sibling’s behaviors exactly. It was important for me to read that it is the intensity and frequency of these behaviors that indicate they are a narcissist, not perhaps just one or a few situations. I can clearly see my Golden Child older sister’s behaviors in early childhood through teenage years and into adulthood. It never changed. It was not until a few years ago that I started reading more about narcissism when I finally got answers to so many things I questioned about my family. I do believe my mom is also a narcissist and my dad was an enabler for both of them. I stood no chance. Naively I tried to explain myself so many times, only for them all to attack me for being hateful, wrong, too sensitive. Boundaries did not work. I went No Contact three years ago, and feel like I saved my life. The effects of narcissistic abuse and scapegoating in families cannot be understated.
I am learning what narcissism is after being very confused about perceptions and behaviors within my family. I always knew my brother was the “golden child” but I did not realize the pervasiveness of his narcissism until I stopped worshipping him and agreeing with him all the time. I had left my toxic family on the advice of my doctors and therapist but returned after being “hoovered” by my aging father, who I discovered had been neglected and needed immediate hospitalization. I decided to return to be his full-time, live-in caregiver and have been for 5 years and counting – probably did this out of guilt and “duty.” Talk about going back into the frying pan for all the wrong reasons! But it did help me gain perspective on how truly dysfunctional my family really has been and still is – explains a lot of the toxicity growing up. Well, no one in the family appreciated my pointing out the problems (I am the scapegoat by the way). It was evident from behaviors toward me that I was a threat to the “veil of normalcy” some family members wanted to keep intact. The abuse from my brother and older sister started the minute I returned to care for dad. In speaking with a friend, she said, “I don’t like the gaslighting that is going on toward you.” I did not know what gaslighting was. That started my journey learning about narcissism. Unfortunately, prior to educating myself on the subject, I fell back into the same toxic patterns with my two “difficult” siblings that we experienced as children and now they are using the arguments we had as “proof” that I am an evil person, not taking any personal responsibility for their part in the arguments (remember I’m the scapegoat!). Every unflattering thing I have said or done in my lifetime is now being used against me (I am 70). My sister has since passed from lung cancer (2021) but my brother is now using the contentious relationship I had with her as a tool against me too – and to also recruit “flying monkeys” and “proxy abusers” for the unrelenting smear campaign he is waging against me. He is trying to destroy me by any means he can – no boundaries, seeking out any friends and relations I have who he can manipulate to discredit me and sow seeds of doubt about the good person I really am when not abused and provoked. Talk about learning who your real friends are! I have learned to not allow anyone to provoke me into an argument and to ignore, as much as possible, the toxic behavior shown by others. But, I am cracking. I am seeking therapy again – and the sooner the better! I will survive but it is hard. I have decided to go no contact with my brother and any “flying monkeys” and “proxy abusers” he sics on me. He even called the police for “criminal elder abuse” and “criminal financial elder abuse” – both of which were dismissed by the police as nonexistent – yet another abuse/harassment tactic – but I did show the police the slanderous/libelous letter my brother sent to my dad’s attorney – one of many that have been sent and circulated among relatives around the country by my brother and now dead sister. I have never been subjected to such vile behavior or such character assassination attempts in all my 70 years on earth. It is really quite shocking and I do feel a certain amount of fear as to how far my brother will go with his narcissistic rage. Therefore, I continue to educate myself on this very real, very damaging form of abuse and am seeking therapy and, relying on the wonderful friends/family I have who don’t buy into the smearing – who know me, love me, support me, and value me for who I am. My advice to anyone going through this? Keep believing in yourself and don’t let the evil manipulations/attacks get to you. Self-protect, set boundaries, and go no contact if you feel it is in your best interests for self-preservation and self-love. It is a horrible thing to go through.